Welcome to Estonia.
I felt positive when I took off from Reykjavík at 5 o’clock in the morning. Though I hadn’t slept that night, I didn’t doze off when the plane went up to meet the sun behind the horizon, but enjoyed the amazing view from the windows – red stripe in the dark blue turning more and more yellow and the sky getting brighter. I was lucky enough to be re-seated next to an emergency exit, so I had triple the legroom. And Icelandic music from the touchscreen in front of me and free tea. The seats were a little bit uncomfortable for sleeping, but I did have some short naps too.
Everything went smooth from there on as well, some more sleep on a windowpane of the ferry and I was in Tallinn just 10 minutes behind the schedule. I was expecting the usual special feeling that I had got after returning to my homeland – seeing all those roadsigns in Estonian and hearing all people speaking my mother tongue etc. But the only kind of special moment was when stepping on the ferry in Helsinki, I was elated to say “tere” to the crew on the entrance, but well, they looked away. In Tallinn, everything was the same as it had always been. And not the same nice or the same not nice, just the same. As if I had left the day before. Maybe it was just my tiredness, I don’t know. It didn’t really make me sad, but I had to find my impulse somewhere else, because it didn’t make me feel happy either.
So I met some friends. Really briefly. Too briefly to form any sort of emotion. It was nice indeed, but just not enough to get into a mood. I went on the train, made it nicely, no running. I was happy to get my last ride on the long wooden seat where one can sleep. I used my chance. But the dizzier I got from switching between sleeping and being awake, the more my mood went into some sort of blank state. It was all okay, but it was all the same. I had been here before, I had gone away from it, I came back. To the same place, perhaps too much so.
On the next day I took a walk around and, of course, went to Supilinn. It used to be my absolute favourite district when I moved to Tartu back in the days. It seemed all so different now – architecture is so chaotic, so mixed, new houses here and there, cramped together with old houses, lots of empty space in another place, some (or, rather, many) abandoned houses about to fall over. So very random. It used to be different for sure. But also I am not so strict in my mind with that old hippish ramshackle house thing any more, I guess. My values have broadened or changed or.. I don’t know. Well, this is definitely enough to state that, but it’s just one of the many marks for myself – am I moving on from Tartu?
Then I went to see my cat and my apartment. I have really nice people living there, they really look after my cat and take care of the household. It’s nice to know that it’s all in trustworthy hands. Much of my stuff is also there, some of it is packed together and some is on the shelves and everywhere around. I walked around searching for some things and took a look at all this stuff. Yet again I felt like stepping back in time. All those things just like they used to be before I left. It all felt sort of reluctant. I don’t want to go back. I don’t have anything to do there than just confine myself or feel confined. There’s like dead energy laying around that is used and has nowhere more to be spread. It’s over, it’s done.
Reading what I’m writing now reminds me of my return from Denmark in 2010. I had had quite an intense period before and I went back to indefiniteness and felt insecure. I had no specific plans for the nearer future. It took me a month or two to get out of it. But what’s different this time is that I’m here just for a short visit and I still get the feeling. I will go back, but still I feel a bit headless. Maybe I’m already worrying about coming back for good, because I’ve learned from experience and know what’s awaiting. And honestly, this makes me feel that I don’t want to come back. Not ever, but just not anytime soon.
I think I haven’t been staying in a place that suits me that well before. Like Iceland, I mean. It might be that I’m in that student exchange bubble and my best friends who I dearly care about are all exchange students as well. But it’s more than that. I really feel safe and calm when walking in the streets of Reykjavík. I’m much better in motivating myself to do stuff at home, even though I’m much better equipped in Estonia. I feel like I’m ruling my own life there, whereas in Tartu, my home, my close ones, my things and my memories are ruling it. Even my ever loved hills and forests of Southern Estonia are ruling it, because I know them so well from my past. I need a change. I’m taking it, but I must not step backwards, I need to find a way to keep moving on. To get over the past and take myself to the future.