Welcome to Estonia.
I felt positive when I took off from Reykjavík at 5 o’clock in the morning. Though I hadn’t slept that night, I didn’t doze off when the plane went up to meet the sun behind the horizon, but enjoyed the amazing view from the windows – red stripe in the dark blue turning more and more yellow and the sky getting brighter. I was lucky enough to be re-seated next to an emergency exit, so I had triple the legroom. And Icelandic music from the touchscreen in front of me and free tea. The seats were a little bit uncomfortable for sleeping, but I did have some short naps too.
Everything went smooth from there on as well, some more sleep on a windowpane of the ferry and I was in Tallinn just 10 minutes behind the schedule. I was expecting the usual special feeling that I had got after returning to my homeland – seeing all those roadsigns in Estonian and hearing all people speaking my mother tongue etc. But the only kind of special moment was when stepping on the ferry in Helsinki, I was elated to say “tere” to the crew on the entrance, but well, they looked away. In Tallinn, everything was the same as it had always been. And not the same nice or the same not nice, just the same. As if I had left the day before. Maybe it was just my tiredness, I don’t know. It didn’t really make me sad, but I had to find my impulse somewhere else, because it didn’t make me feel happy either.
So I met some friends. Really briefly. Too briefly to form any sort of emotion. It was nice indeed, but just not enough to get into a mood. I went on the train, made it nicely, no running. I was happy to get my last ride on the long wooden seat where one can sleep. I used my chance. But the dizzier I got from switching between sleeping and being awake, the more my mood went into some sort of blank state. It was all okay, but it was all the same. I had been here before, I had gone away from it, I came back. To the same place, perhaps too much so.
On the next day I took a walk around and, of course, went to Supilinn. It used to be my absolute favourite district when I moved to Tartu back in the days. It seemed all so different now – architecture is so chaotic, so mixed, new houses here and there, cramped together with old houses, lots of empty space in another place, some (or, rather, many) abandoned houses about to fall over. So very random. It used to be different for sure. But also I am not so strict in my mind with that old hippish ramshackle house thing any more, I guess. My values have broadened or changed or.. I don’t know. Well, this is definitely enough to state that, but it’s just one of the many marks for myself – am I moving on from Tartu?
Then I went to see my cat and my apartment. I have really nice people living there, they really look after my cat and take care of the household. It’s nice to know that it’s all in trustworthy hands. Much of my stuff is also there, some of it is packed together and some is on the shelves and everywhere around. I walked around searching for some things and took a look at all this stuff. Yet again I felt like stepping back in time. All those things just like they used to be before I left. It all felt sort of reluctant. I don’t want to go back. I don’t have anything to do there than just confine myself or feel confined. There’s like dead energy laying around that is used and has nowhere more to be spread. It’s over, it’s done.
Reading what I’m writing now reminds me of my return from Denmark in 2010. I had had quite an intense period before and I went back to indefiniteness and felt insecure. I had no specific plans for the nearer future. It took me a month or two to get out of it. But what’s different this time is that I’m here just for a short visit and I still get the feeling. I will go back, but still I feel a bit headless. Maybe I’m already worrying about coming back for good, because I’ve learned from experience and know what’s awaiting. And honestly, this makes me feel that I don’t want to come back. Not ever, but just not anytime soon.
I think I haven’t been staying in a place that suits me that well before. Like Iceland, I mean. It might be that I’m in that student exchange bubble and my best friends who I dearly care about are all exchange students as well. But it’s more than that. I really feel safe and calm when walking in the streets of Reykjavík. I’m much better in motivating myself to do stuff at home, even though I’m much better equipped in Estonia. I feel like I’m ruling my own life there, whereas in Tartu, my home, my close ones, my things and my memories are ruling it. Even my ever loved hills and forests of Southern Estonia are ruling it, because I know them so well from my past. I need a change. I’m taking it, but I must not step backwards, I need to find a way to keep moving on. To get over the past and take myself to the future.
Tag Archives: english
Farvæl, Føroyar!
On Monday I made it official. Tomorrow I’m going to step on the ferry Norrørna and start travelling to Denmark. First I’m going to couchsurf a German guy for a night in Esbjerg, the place where the ferry goes to, and then head to Blistrup where I’m awaited by a family in a farm. I’ll be there for a start and probably keep looking for some paid job.
Last days I haven’t really been doing anything special, mostly just stayed at home. I don’t feel like taking the last of Faroes before leaving, because it’s not like being on trip anyway and right now I feel like being between the past and the future. I’m still here but in my mind I have already tuned myself to what’s coming so I’m not living into this here anymore and even waiting for moving on. As I come to think about it I partly regret what I’m doing and feel that I haven’t taken all my chances, because this here is really worth of enjoying. But in a way I seem to idealise the islands for myself, thinking of it always brings stronger emotions that being in the middle of reality. Or maybe I just haven’t had a proper chance to really get into it because of this very unstable life I’ve had here.
Farvæl, Føroyar! I will miss you until the end of time.
But we shall meet again. I promise.
Pre
I must admit that I’ve had enough of searching for a job for now. Or rather waiting for one, because you wouldn’t name it exactly searching sitting here, occasionally going to the factory or making a phone call. Or sending out e-mails to places that actually don’t offer work. The answer “sorry, we don’t offer nothing (at the moment, but leave your contacts…” has been nailed into my head. The latters seem to be all around the world for now.
Yet situation has changed pretty much for me from what it used to be when I got the flight tickets. You could imagine the desperate me panicing about not finding anything, glued to the place and narrowed my world to my dreams. It’s not the case. Overall I really enjoy this place and find it exactly as peaceful as I need it to be for myself, but a part of me is willing to shorten my adventures to make room for another plans that could not be made of only the dreams of me. I do like principles and in that sense I’d like to take the next step in my life connected to this place again, but I’m ready for compromises, otherwise it’d be a bit selfish.
So as for now I’ve pretty much decided that I leave. As a controversy to how I sense the small places on my palm to be easier to grasp, I feel that my outlooks in Denmark are better and it also gets me closer to the overall (though very hazy) picture of my dreams. I’d be there for some time, assumingly until Christmas, then back to Estonia and then on for new adventures when the new year comes.
That way I’d also understand what I’ll miss here. This will not be that last time for the sheep. I shall come back, sooner or later, for longer or shorter time, to freshen my mind and be one with the world. It’s just that right now the conditions are not as favoring as they could be.
Interim
I’ve been playing around with my blog a lot today. The whole front page is new, yet far from being finished. There are now visible and distinguishable links to the English section. The section is still in mixed language, but I will try to make it a bit more English, so you won’t learn more Estonian words in the future. Well, if you want to learn, you can always ask me, right?
But that’s not what I was to talk about. As I’ve been writing a lot lately and sitting behind the glowing screen even more, my eyes are pretty tired and I’ll just make it short.
It is and it is not good here. The bad side is that this place is no exception in today’s world and even though the unemployment rate should still be the lowest in Europe, there’s unsteadiness in the air and not much work to get (if not to say, no work at all). In this three weeks time I’ve been here I have asked in quite a few places. In fishing factories they happily collect my contacts and say that I may ask again after some time, but nobody needs a helping hand right away. And with other institutions it’s quite hopeless. So right now I’m trying to figure myself out a limit how long I’m going to stay here without work and after that I’d probably head for Denmark, hoping that there would be at least something there. (If you have better ideas, let me know.)
The good side is the majority of everything else. Although the weather shows signs of upcoming autumn, all the other positive things I named as my first impressions have not disappointed me. Moreover I’ve done a bit more hiking in the empty and calm landscape and socialized with people in some extent. It is relaxing here even when the other half of your mind is busy worrying about the job. I’m getting more and more sure that mentally this is right now the place for me and it’s exactly what I needed in this state of my life. It’s not that much for thinking anything through or pushing myself to challenging situations, it’s rather for sensing more in my own pace and undisturbedly, whether doing familiar things and creating myself a familiar atmosphere or not. I’m all alone clearing up my mind and this is the best place for such thing. That’s why I’m trying to stay as hard as possible.
If you don’t believe me, look at the pictures: pildid.hannes.ee
Soon I’ll make a new photo site with better navigation and fancier interface. The newest photo albums will probably be found on my blog’s front page too.
Next time I’ll write more. I hope.
Hello, sheep islands!
I’m starting writing also in English, because I promised to do so. I hope. Until I get enough of writing twice on the same subject. Or three times, or four. Because I have a mother and a girlfriend with whom I share my experiences first anyway.
For Estonians: eriti uudishimulikud võivad lugeda nii eesti- kui inglisekeelseid sissekandeid, sest tõlkima ma ei kavatse hakata. Puhtalt sellepärast, et see on keerulisem ja tülikam. Nii et inglise keeles võib kirja saada asju, mida ma eesti keeles ei kirjuta. Alustades järgnevaga.
My flight went really smoothly, the landing was of course a bit windier than I had experienced before, but nothing that I didn’t expect. Some women were slightly screaming when wind wanted to blow away the aircraft and I had to catch the seat in front of me, but I believe it could have been worse. I have no reason for not trusting the pilots.
They even provided some food on the plane which was good, because I didn’t have much for breakfast and I had already forgotten it. It came just on time. And free juice and tea. It was nice.
After my arrival I couldn’t decide straight away what I should do and which way, so I sat in the small airport and wrote some e-mails and surfed the net for a few hours. Then I decided to try to get going by hitchhiking, which turned out to be really easy. I was a bit disorganized, so the non english speaking people took me to the capital Tórshavn, where I was for a half an hour, until I realized that the idea of pulling my 20 kg luggage along with me hasn’t got any better than in Copenhagen. I guess I don’t learn much from my mistakes. After that I hitched to Vestmanna, which again went very smoothly, I never had to wait more than five cars. I will definitely use this mean of getting ahead more.
People here are extremely friendly and helping and trusting. Yesterday we went to a festival in Klaksvik where there were big fishing ships standing in the port and you could explore them yourself, nobody restricted you to go to every room and deck, although people had their personal stuff there. I guess nobody steals here anything, because it would come out anyway with so few people. Everybody just knows everybody.
We also drove around a bit in the north and found some geocaches of which some were in Faroese “forests”, which are rather interesting places. They are planted, of course, and taken care of, but the flora under the trees are much richer so it almost looks like real. I will upload some pictures afterwards.
Next week I’m going to ask for a job in the fishing factory, it’s promising that I’d get it, because there were pupils working there during the summer, but now school time has started and they probably need some workers. Also I hope to get a room by asking people working there, because there are other foreigners who have gathered and renting something.
Overall I’m really satisfied here, I wouldn’t say it’s highly above my expectations, but I was expecting pretty much. From the very start I felt like at home here and it hasn’t changed. It might just be amongst the most right decisions I’ve made in my life. But I can’t really tell yet, since I have no work. I’m planning to take myself a week for hiking and then after that start working, but eventually everything depends on the weather here.
P. S. For non-estonian readers – whoever is reading it and interested, please comment, that way I’d know if I should keep this category up or not. Note that you will have to register yourself on the page to send public comments, though comments from anonymous writes should reach me as well. I think.